most of the bootlegs have very similar playlists, but every so often you'll find one that has a new song or a song that is old but sounds different b/c it's live and she's just by herself.
yesterday, i was walking to campus and then later to/from work listening to it. it's a good cd! she's really talkative and friendly and happy sounding...even when she's about to play a sad song. it's just a good cd.
i digress...
she played rock paper scissors and i was floored. it was a revamped version and it totally was hott.i was having a sort of shitty day yesterday for various reasons, mostly due to the fact that this break up with the lady has been more of a rollercoaster in terms of how i'm dealing and how i feel about the situation in general. yesterday was a pissy day.
and then rock paper scissors came on. i listened carefully to the words (like a good ani disciple) and found myself relating a LOT to the song and the song's message. throughout this entire breakup process, i have turned to ani to find a way to grieve, heal, process, move on, etc. i don't know what i'd do if i didn't have this music.
i think i would go insane. i don't have time for a therapist, and my friend's aren't always going to be available for me to bitch/cry/talk things through with them. but i have my music, and enough time by myself to listen and work things out.
below are the lyrics to the song. i couldn't find a decent clip of the version of this song, so i made an imovie and uploaded it to youtube.com! exciting, i know...but anyway, enjoy.
that's all.
the end.
love,
meghan.
Rock Paper Scissors::Ani DiFranco
it's rock paper scissors as to whether
i will get over you at all
it's hand against hand and both hands are mine
it's standing in a circular line
which is not to say that i am not also happy
a happy meal with a surprise inside
surprise surprise here's another bright light in your eyes
exposing all the stuff you're not calculating enough to hide
but this melancholy that i carry makes me feel so grown up
at my kitchen table doing shots of resignation
i never thought i'd see the day when i would say i give up
and break the stallions of my wildest expectations
but i do not want to know you this way
surrounded by so much pain
but how am i supposed to let go of you this way
like a bird into the sky of my brain?
i think i could accept all these dark colors
as just part of some bigger color scheme
if it wasn't for that drippy string quartet of sadness
underscoring each smiling scene
desire drags me right out of myself
a gas-soaked rope tied to a piece of coal
and i'm getting pretty good at looking at the bright side
while the flames rip along the sand and swallow me whole
but this melancholy that i carry makes me feel so grown up
at my kitchen table doing shots of resignation
i never thought i'd see the day when i would say i give up
and break the stallions of my wildest expectations
but i do not want to know you this way
surrounded by so much pain
but how am i supposed to let go of you this way
like a bird into the sky of my brain?
i think the main reason this song has had such an affect on me is because i'm not a quitter. i don't like to quit things. i don't give up easily. my relationship with the lady was a lot of work and we did alright for 3 years...which is a LONG time, when you're only 24. i never thought there would come a day when i would not want to try anymore. i thought i'd always want to be friends with her, no matter what. but i've come to this place where i'm ok being without her friendship in the same capacity. i've become ok with not talking to her like we used to, with not knowing how she is doing...which is weird. i still miss her, and i still care...a lot.
but at this point, i'm realizing that a friendship right now is probably not possible...because although i still care, i can't do this anymore. i can't keep trying to maintain this balance of dealing with the heartache of losing a relationship that i worked so hard to maintain...losing so much more than that relationship...i've had to change the way i envision my future now. i can't keep trying to force a balance between my hurt and my want for a friendship...even if it's just a minimal/basic friendship.
so when ani speaks of the melancholy she is experiencing and when she says 'i never thought i'd see the day when i would say i give up', it makes me get the shivers b/c i feel that way right now....i just can't let go of my hurt in order to be friends...i suppose the best thing i could do right now is just give it time and space...lots of time/space.
but i do not want to know you this way
surrounded by so much pain
but how am i supposed to let go of you this way
like a bird into the sky of my brain?
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